歌詞: Abysmal Crucifix. Mint, Cherry, And Rainbow Stuck In A Condom.

I had a friend in high school and one night he came up to me
At the bowling alley on Trent Street, where we rolled a game and sat down to eat.
He said,
"I started seeing this skanky girl by the name of Cheryl Green,
"And when she went downtown last night she asked me to slip on this."
And on the table he tossed a 12-pack of condoms flavored like mint.

I said,
"It's the flavored condoms of love,
"You can't let 'em get you down.
"Even though you think they're pointless,
"She's got herpes of the mouth."

I call this woman up each week to get my rocks off for $3.95 a minute.
She's a pro named Starla, with a spiel that gets me off in an instant.
But last week I heard the sound, a shakiness in her voice.
I asked her what's the problem and she screamed she had no choice.
Now calm yourself, Starla, and tell me just what's going on.
She explains that she met a guy in real life and they started fooling around.
And when she told him what she did to make her living,
He bought a pack of cherry condoms and wouldn't touch her without their protection.

The flavored condoms of love,
Were resting at his feet.
But she just saw it as a sign
Of weakness and defeat.

Well down in Laurel Canyon I broke into my ex-fiancee's house,
Just wanted to get old pictures and some books, maybe steal a blouse
To sniff at night when I'm all alone in my big empty bed,
And right there on the dresser, I see a box of Trojans labeled "rainbow-flavored ribbed head."
I started to scream and yell and broke a window with a chair, then got worried 'bout the sound.
So I got a gas can from the garage and starting pouring it 'round,
Lit a match and watched from a block up the street as I burned that mother down.

It's the flavored condoms of love,
They don't stop the jealousy in my heart.
All you can do about it now
Is file a claim at State Farm