歌詞: Stephen Lynch. The Craig Machine. Baby.

This is for my little girl
My lady gives birth today
I run to her room right away
She smiles with glee and hands her to me
I look at my newborn and say

Damn that's an ugly baby
Damn that's an ugly ass baby
I'm feeling quite concerned
My semen must have turned
'Cause damn that's an ugly baby

I can't believe this came from me
I think her mom did too much LSD
she's skinny like a twig
at least her nuts are big
but the placenta is cuter than she

Damn that's an ugly baby
God damn that's an ugly ass baby
I can't take her home today
She'll scare the dog away
'cause damn that's an ugly baby

And when she smiles I find

Shane McGowen comes to mind
It makes me want to cry
When I look into her good eye
I always wanted kids
Is it wrong to hope for SIDS?
Then the doctor calls me in
Mr. Lynch she has a twin

Damn that's a good-lookin' baby
One for two on the good lookin' babies
I almost start to weep
Now this one we can keep
cause that was an ugly ass baby

Damn that's an ugly baby (x4)
She's got one good tooth and one ear and one eye
And thank god just one nose but it's on her left thigh
Now doctor I am asking you guy to guy
Would a really really really late term abortion apply
Oh no, I don't want no ugly baby
I said damn that's an ugly ass baby