I admit that in the past I've been a nasty 
They weren't kidding when they called me kinda strange
But you'll find that nowadays 
I've mended all my ways 
Repented, seen the light and made a change

And I fortunately know a little secret 
It's a talent that I always have possessed 
And here lately, please don't laugh 
I use it on behalf 
Of the miserable, *the* lonely and depressed 
(Pathetic) 
 
Poor unfortunate souls 
In pain 
In need 
This one longing to be thinner 
This one wants to get the girl 
And do I help them? 
Yes, indeed 
Those poor unfortunate souls 
So sad 
So true 
They come flocking to me crying
"Will you help us will you please?" 
And I help them? 
Yes, I do 

The men up there don't like a lot of blabber 
They think a girl who gossips is a bore 
Yes, on land it's much preferred 
For ladies not to say a word 
And after all, dear, what is idle prattle for? 

They're not all that impressed with conversation 
Two gentlemen avoid it when they can 
But they dote and swoon and fawn 
On a lady who's withdrawn 
It's she who holds her tongue who gets her man 

Poor unfortunate souls
Go ahead! 
Make your choice! 
I'm a very busy person 
And I haven't got all day 
It won't cost much: 
Just your voice! 

Those poor unfortunate souls
So sad 
So true
If you want to cross a bridge, my sweet 
You've got to pay the toll 
Take a gulp, take a breath 
and go ahead, sign the scroll
(Nick and Kevin, now I've got her, boys) 
The boss is on a roll 

You poor unfortunate souls 
In pain 
In need 
This one longing to be thinner 
This one wants to get the girl 
And do I help them? 
Yes, indeed 
Those poor unfortunate souls 
So sad 
So true 
They come flocking to me crying
"Will you help us will you please?" 
And I help them? 
Yes, I do 

Those poor unfortunate souls...

                          Thanks to livetilwelaugh for these lyrics